i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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