guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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