talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
