Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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