even my farts smell like vagina
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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