i barfeds in our rink
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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