guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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