i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize