What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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