she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
