How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
