I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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