Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They have beer where we have blood.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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