I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
