I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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