Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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