Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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