Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
