I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
