i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
