I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
