Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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