I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
