I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
