My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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