so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
