just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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