does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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