Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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