i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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