I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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