i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
