just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
