this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
