If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
