he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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