she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
