So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I cut my penus on the lid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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