It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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