There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
