Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
