When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
