I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
