so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
