Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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