I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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