Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
