Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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