i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
