How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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