quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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