You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
