did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
