Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
