just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
