Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i dont even know how to be here
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
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at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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