hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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