awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
