I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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