Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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